Got Hosed?

Ma First Revu: Gray and Gray Premium Garden Hose, 40 foot variety

Not only am I new to this blogging thing, I’m also a lil’ bit slow on the uptake. Lookin’ at my stats, I noticed my readership has declined. Must have said something that upset an applecart or two. I rightly can’t apologize. Ya know bein’ from the Montana Wilderness, I tend to bypass ma brain and talk straight from the heart, if ya know what I mean.

Sos I gots to thinkin’, some a those guys been at this bloggin’ this are doin’ reevus of products and such. And, they must spend countless hours researchin’ good products to reevu, cause ya ain’t never saw no negative reevus. Everything that is reevued is grand, and nice, and bright, shiny, and better than the last, and never wears out. (I’m of course exceptin’ the Butt Out tool. It wasn’t really reevued, but it did get negative comments.)

So I wondered what could I reevu that was grand, or nice, or bright, and I recalled a fella named Peter Lynch. He ran some kinda mutual of omaha fund named “Magellan.” Not only did Magellan discover the world, he also was one of the best mutual of omaha funds. Lynch said he only invested in things that he knew about. So, I went a lookin’ for things that I knew about.

I went to the feed store and lo and behold there it was—Gray and Gray Bros. Premium Garden Hose. Most hoses come in 25, 50, 75, and 100 foot lengths. Gray and Gray Bros. hoses are all 40 feet. They have hand crimped fittin’s and seem like they would last a coons age.

I took one of them hoses to Gene at the feed counter. Gene knows a lot; he’s been at the feed store for over 35 years. Started the day after he got kicked out a 3rd grade. The tag for Gray and Gray Bros Premium Garden Hose had no address or contactenem information. Gene said that Gray and Gray were under some federal indictment for owning a few ‘shine stills and kept their address secret. I explained what I was a doin’ and Gene slid me the phone number. He whispered somethin’ like I should order a few mason jars while I reevued the Premium Garden Hose. Sounded like a good idear.

I called Gray, but he was out. Luckily, Gray was in, so I told him I wanted a couple of his mason jars and learn the history of the Premium Garden Hose Company. Gray (not the other Gray) told me that for fifteen dollars he would send some photos of his operation and a few jars; when I received them I could ask questions.

Time slipped by. I opened the package and just had to taste the contents of the jars. I tasted two quarts and woke up with a mouth that tasted like wall-to-wall carpet and a head the size of Wyomin. I used my fancy new scanner on the pictures, but Im not sure I should show them on the intranet. Maybe the photographer tasted some of the shine, or something, but the photos weren’t much about the Gray and Gray Bros. Premium Garden Hose. From the looks of the pics, that garden hose company is one close, family operation.

Anyway, I called Gray back and got the other Gray, but both Grays got on phones and we had us a comference call. I told him I got the jars and the photos and wanted to know the history of the Premium Hose Company.

He said it all started in the summer of 2004. He and Gray (the other Gray) been laid off from the pulp mill in 1999. But, in the summer of 2004, he and Gray (again the other Gray) were sitting in the 1973 Ford Pinto suckin’ suds and watchin’ the sprinkler when Gray (the other Gray) said, “Ya know that 12-year old hose is getting’ a bit wore out.” Gray replied, “Ain’t that the way it is? Ya just get somethin’ broke in and it goes to heck.” (It should be pointed out that we talked a long time about the 1973 Ford Pinto. Gray (and the other Gray) both are fair complected and tend to burn easily. They like to lay in the yard and watch the sprinkler, but tend to pass out and get a mighty nasty belly burn. Gray (not the other Gray) said that the belly burn is the most uncomfortable thing there is, and that to solve the problem, them moved the 1973 Ford Pinto into the yard and put it on blocks. They removed the doors and applied some J.C.Whitney tintin’ material to the windshield. Gray (the other Gray) said now they can sit in the 1973 Ford Pinto, watch the sprinkler and drink beers all day and never get a belly burn.)

So Gray, (not the other Gray) said they come up with a plan to buy bulk garden hose on 500 foot reels, bulk male and female hose ends, and build their own Premium-line of garden hose. Gray (the other Gray) confirmed it and said now, they have a reel of hose on one side of the 1973 Ford Pinto, a box of male hose ends on one side of the 1973 Ford Pinto and a box of female hose ends on the other side of the 1973 Ford Pinto. Gray and Gray can sit in the Pinto and make hose all day without any belly burn.
I asked about the photos and Gray (the other Gray) said, “We’re a family operation. My ma and sis work outside the 1973 Ford Pinto wrapping up the hose and preparing it for shipment. He said havin’ his ma and sis photographed with the Premium Garden Hose operation wearin’ only panties helped sell more garden hose. He took credit for his top-notch marketin’ idea, sayin’ sales went from 120 feet in three years to 160 feet in only three months after the “ma and sis marketing campaign.”

Gray (not the other Gray) asked me if I had tried out the Premium Garden Hose. I said that it was winter were I lived an I wouldn’t be able to use it for a while. Then, he asked if it were a problem to write a reevu of somethin’ I’d never used. I replied, “It don’t make no never mind. Many of the experts do the same thin’. Some even say they will report later, but never do.”

Then Gray (the other Gray) told me that if’n I was to do this hear reevu that they would send me a four-foot custom made Gray and Gray Premium Garden Hose and half a six-pack of Schmidt beer as a thank you.

Ah . . . . Man, Could I use a half a six-pack of Schmidt beer. My tongue went dry. I said thank you and hung up. So, I’ve jumped all the turtles and dotted all the ‘t’s and its time to reap my rewards for my first reevu.

I just hollered out of the coat/computer closet (we ain’t got no den nor office) to the little woman and told her about the four-foot custom made Gray and Gray Premium Garden Hose and the half six-pack of Schmidt, and she let out a whoop-tee-do and said, “A four-foot custom made Gray and Gray Premium Garden Hose and a half six-pack of Schmidt is three times what you made from that blog this YEAR!”

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